Cindy's answer: This is a spot no one likes to be in. The best thing to do is treat the person like you would like to be treated yourself if the tables were turned....the golden rule. Sally's answer: I doubt there is anyway to break up that's nice. Breaking up is hard to do, just get it over with as quick as possible and try not to lead the person on from the start if it's not working for you. Michele's answer: Be quick. Don't leave any room for doubt. Be honest, but not mean. I just don't love you, I like you but I don't love you, I've met someone else and I don't want to go out with you anymore, I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but you are not right for me. After the deed is done, stay away, don't call, don't answer their calls or e-mails, let it die down so you both can move on. Joanna's answer: No ill intentions ... no evil intentions , just not feeling the love thing ... can't make it happen ... can't create feelings that aren't there anymore .... don't want to hurt someone , but you are hurting yourself with your lack of honesty ... Even tried to fool yourself talking yourself into a relationship that you just weren't feeling ... I like you but don't love you ... worst thing of all ... I like like you but don't like love you? ... worst of all ... can we still be friends ? Todd Rundgren ... I love you but am not in love with you anymore (frequently used line ... possibly the most popular).
I have my own drawer in my boyfriends room and his mom bought him a double bed for me and him. Does this make his room now 'OUR' room especially as I'm planning to move in?
Cindy's answer: It seems this question is better discussed with your boyfriend.....who needs to discuss this with his Mom. If you are planning to move in...I would imagine you would not feel comfortable unless you felt it was your room too. There may be some thing's that need to be addressed..like are you paying rent? Rent solves the issue as this makes you no longer a guest. If you are not paying rent then it would be worth your while to commit to ways to contribute to the household...take out garbage, walk the dog, etc. In these situations communication is key so there are no misunderstandings. Good luck. Sally's answer: I guess my first question would be, is this in his parents house or in your boyfriends house? If it's your boyfriends home alone and he has asked you to move in with him and share expenses than it would be your house together. You should respect each others different styles and privacy. If this room is in his parents house, then you are a guest in his parents house and you must act like a guest. Meaning you shouldn't feel as if you can decorate this room anyway you want unless his parents are consulted. I would also plan to share in the cleaning and cooking in both cases. Michele's answer: I have the same thoughts as Sally. Are you moving in with your boyfriend or with his family? It was very nice of his mom to get a new bed, she must be very fond of you. But, if this is his family's home that you are moving into and it's not a permanent arrangement, you must respect their wishes. Are you planning to pay rent? Will you be considered part of the family? If so, you do need to take on your share of household responsibilities. You are going to need more then "a drawer" if you are moving in. Think of your needs in the bathroom and the kitchen. If you are sharing a home with your boyfriend at his request and not just staying there for a while then, yes ,it's your home too. If you are living in your boyfriend's family home, no, you are a guest and need to ask before you take any more space or assume his room is your room too.
I recently started going out with someone, is it appropiate to spend the night at his parent's house?
Sally's answer: Only if you're traveling out of town to their house and in that case I would say the relationship is a little more serious then just going out. Don't assume that you'll be sleeping together, not all parents have the same idea on this. Talk to your friend before you get to the house and sleep where the parents put you. Joanna's answer: It may be obvious how they feel. Please do not assume that it is all right. See if they show you to his/her room. Do not necessarily follow the lead of your "friend" but see where the parent leads you. Ask yourself how you would be most comfortable ... if you will be ill at ease ... then let your friend know .
I recently went out-of-town and visited an acquaintance for a couple days. Who is expected to pay for things like meals, parking, and things you do together, the visitor or the visitee? Or do you split 50/50 as best you can?
Cindy's answer:
If you are visiting an acquaintance for a couple days, it seems likely you will leave as friends. Friends generally share 50/50. You will also be a guest so it would be your place to set the tone with a gift such as a plant, bakery goods, a bottle of wine, etc Guests who chip on are always welcome. You may offer to go buy breakfast like some bagels or donuts for your host if they are providing the other meals. If you go out be prepared to split the bill. Let us know how it goes and if you felt comfortable with this sometimes touchy issue. Good luck.
Sally's answer:
This all depends on the relationship with the person that you're visiting. An acquaintance is not necessarily a friend yet you must be clear on the intent of your visit and expectations. You should offer to share all the expenses. Don't assume, because that makes an ass out of you and me. They might resist but you can buy groceries, take them out to dinner, treat them to a day of fun (theater, movie, sight-seeing boat cruise). At the very least, please bring a gift for your host/hostess.
Michele's answer:
This is one of those things that you have to work out together. If you were invited to stay at the person's home the right thing is to bring a small gift to say thank you. As for who pays for what it would be nice if you could shoulder some of the expenses, You might want to take your host out to dinner, or find a grocery and cook for them. I would expect that you need to be honest about how much you can afford. If your acquaintance has put together an itinerary, movies, dinner, theater, attractions and you just can't afford to do all those things, say so. I doubt that your host expects you to pay their share and they may have planned to pay for you. If not, you must let them know that you are unable to spend that much money. You say this is an acquaintance, if it's someone you don't know well, you may be staying at a near-by hotel, in that case you should each be paying your own way unless otherwise planned. Offer to pay your share of parking and gas if they are doing all the driving and split the bill for dinner.
Joanna's answer:
This can be difficult. It is good to just split everything 50/50, but if you are staying with them, then it is always good to offer a thank you by taking them to dinner, bring a bottle of wine to share or a house gift if you aren't going out and they are cooking at their home. On the other hand, I like to take my guest out and pay for at least one meal in my home town. So if we are going out at all, the first meal is on me.
We all have a different economy we have to live with depending on income and individual values. I am particular about wine and so when I go out to eat and I choose a more expensive wine than my friend would have chose, I like to let them know that I would like to get the wine tonight.
I'm going to be an usher at my cousin's wedding, what do I do?
Sally's answer:
Usually an usher in a wedding has some hand in planning the bachelor party that happens before the wedding. Remember the Hangover? Besides that, your responsible for looking nice, walking ladies down the aisle to show them to their seats and making a toast (if you're the best man). Weddings are a lot of fun and enjoy the festivities!
Michele's answer:
Be honored. Your real job is to look nice, act charming and escort guests to their seats, but there are a few other responsibilities. If it's a formal wedding, you will probably have to rent a tuxedo. Someone will tell you when and where to show up for a fitting and you don't get to pick the style, but you do have to pay the bill. There are usually dinners and parties that you are expected to attend. Wedding rehearsal dinner and bachelor party come to mind. Then there are photography sessions, wedding rehearsal and the wedding itself. Someone will tell you where you must be when, but you are responsible for showing up, Can't blow it off to watch a basketball game. You will be told what to do at the rehearsal dinner, don't miss it. You will be expected to show up early for the wedding and escort guests to their seats, traditionally you offer your right arm to the women and engage them in conversation as you walk them to a seat, bride's family and friends on the left, groom's on the right, but your cousin's wedding may be less traditional and they may have their own plan for seating. Usually there is a procession up the aisle of bridesmaids and ushers and a recessional on the way out, but again, rehearsal, they'll tell you what to do. Have Fun.
If I am in a brand new relationship should I buy the person a birthday gift?
Cindy's answer:
Depends on your style and the relationship. You would not want to overwhelm a person with an expensive gift...or would you? Be creative in any case and do not attach strings when giving gifts.
Sally's answer:
You should acknowledge the birthday in some way. If it is a new relationship, maybe treat the person to lunch, funny card, flowers, bake a cake or if you're over 21 treat for cocktails. There are several inexpensive ways to say happy birthday.
Michele's answer:
Everyone should have their birthday recognized. Flowers, dinner, home-cooked or take your friend out for lunch. So many nice ways to say Happy Birthday.
Joanna's answer:
Recognizing a birthday is always a good idea . You may not know enough about them to shop for them. A dinner out, An activity like a picnic or hike. A gift is not necessary, but appreciated.
Is it impolite to ask how much money my friend makes?
Cindy's answer:
It is tacky to talk about money.
Sally's answer:
Yes, it's none your business but some people like to tell you anyway which isn't polite either.
Michele's answer:
YES!
Joanna's answer:
Yes.
Is it impolite to ask how much rent my friends are paying?
Sally's answer: Probably not - most friends like to share that info if it would be helpful for you. Michele's answer: When you are all looking for housing in the same area, as in a college situation, then it's fine to discuss the cost of rent. Your friend's father just got him an apartment in NYC? and you live in Ohio? Not polite to say, "Wow, you must come from money, how much is that costing?".
Is it tacky to take home a doggie bag on a date?
Sally's answer:
Let the food go-hopefully the date was better than the left-overs!
Michele's answer:
I don't think so. If your date paid for the meal ask them if they want the left-overs before you take off with them, If not, ask if they mind you taking them home. If you are in a nice restaurant, you might even leave with a tin-foil swan. And if the date goes really well, you might want to share them in the morning.
Joanna's answer:
I think it is fine to take a doggie bag home. Sometimes when you are anxious on a first date and talking more than eating, there is a lot left over. It is great not to waste... especially if you have something that you can use as left overs. Offer it to the date if they paid. A nice rare piece of prime rib should not go to waste ... . Neither a chicken piccatta or eggplant parmesan .
Music for the break up(then maybe you won't have to say it yourself because you WILL say the wrong thing no matter what you say!
Cindy's answer: I Will Survive, One Less Bell to Answer, You're No Good, I'm a Loser, the hits keep coming..Lucinda Williams is great to share anger with. Sally's answer: Breaking up is hard to do? Michele's answer: "slip out the back, Jack, get a new plan Stan, no need to be coy Roy, just get yourself free." Paul Simon, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Joanna's answer: ---Temptations (also Hall and Oates ) Standing in the Shadows of Love ==Todd Rundgren Can we still be Friends ?--Come back when you grow up girl ... ( not good )
My friend always interrupts me when I speak ...how do I tactfully make a point?
Cindy's answer: You should try to be less rude than they are being..but let someone get carried away if they are speaking passionately. A phrase like okay" I would like to answer that" may help. Sally's answer: Everyone does this from time to time especially when you get excited about something. If it's happening all the time and really annoying, just interrupt them and say excuse me, can I finish? People don't always know when they're being rude. Michele's answer: I tend to do this, Interrupt that is, sometimes my mind is going so fast I forget and it's into my head and out of my mouth. I don't mind when people ask me to allow them to finish a thought, and I apologize. But then there are those people who just go on and on and only listen to themselves, that too is rude. Those people you can feel free to interrupt with an apology like, I'm sorry, can I say something?
My friend owes me money and I really need it back. Can I ask his/her parents to repay the money?
Cindy's answer:
Tough one.I think this is a case by case answer. I think a good rule may be don't lend money to anyone if you really need it back. It's an idea to ask the parents but I would say only if they can afford it because really it is between you and your friend and your friend should ask his/her parents before you do.
Sally's answer:
Talk to your friend first and tell them you are desperate for your money. Maybe you didn't make it clear that you needed it back. There is a difference between giving and lending. Make sure you make a schedule for repayment when you lend. I wouldn't go to the parents. They probably don't realize you lent money in the first place. In the long run, try not to get into this habit. Money and friends don't mix well.
Michele's answer:
Talk to your friend first. If you go to his/her parents you might not have that friend anymore. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be, loan oft losses self and friend" paraphrased Shakespeare here. It's hard to pressure a friend for money owed, but if you really need the money, and your friend is unable to pay it, ask him/her to go to their parents or you will have to.
My roommate has terrible table manners, what should I do?
Cindy's answer:
Avoid eating with them first of all since they can easily put a damper on enjoying your meal. If you must try sitting in the same direction as them so you can't see them...
Sally's answer:
The homecoming queen (you know who you are) at my school was a beautiful, nice, smart girl but OMG did she have terrible table manners. It was like looking at a train wreck, you couldn't help it. Your roommate probably didn't have a parent who insisted upon having nice table manners and you really don't want to become their parent. Just keep doing the right thing and maybe they'll pick it up but if you really can't stand it you might want to suggest they close their months when they chew!
Joanna's answer:
Whether they have bad manners or just an obnoxious way of chewing and breathing , it is hard to "teach " some one manners without insulting their behavior .If is a boyfriend or girlfriend then you will find it important and you can help them know that you want to help them be their best selves ... you have something at stake . If it is just a room mate / friend , then just try to be patient . When you are in a bad mood it will bother you more , so seek privacy and leave them to eat alone .
My roommate never cleans up after her/himself, how do I approach the subject without making them feel uncomfortable even though I'm tired of the mess?
Cindy's answer: Maybe ask them to be part of making a system for the house to follow. You can have someone do garbage all the time or rotate weeks. Dishes would be best done by whoever is eating in the kitchen...but if one cooks they might get out of dishes etc. Good luck. Sally's answer: You could probably start with rules and lists-split the duties. Maybe your roomie really hates dishes but will take out the garbage and do the recycling. Pick your strong suit and remember to communicate. This is probably the 2nd most annoying thing about having roommates. State the facts and try to work with it, try not to make mountains out of molehills.
My roommate only wants to hang with me when my boyfriend's around, does that mean she doesn't really want to hang out with me?
Cindy's answer: If it is your instinct to think this roommate likes your boyfriend? Do you want to be her friend? Being a good roommate requires respect for eachother's private lives. Think about the boundaries that you feel comfortable with as roommates can be best friends or just people that share respect and are polite to one another. If you would like to be her friend spend time without your boyfriend with her and hopefully time when the 3 of you are together might feel more natural...if not then steer your private time with your boyfriend when you can have privacy from her company. Sally's answer: hum,, good question. I would be watching out for her/him-try see your roommate in different situations, maybe you need to get to know each other better and have some other common interests. Try having a room mate date night. Joanna's answer: It may be that it is more interesting when you have a visitor . If you are sharing the space 24/7 then it may seem a bit more like a party or entertaining atmosphere when you have company . If you have a solid boyfriend or girlfriend that you are in a relationship with , let them know if you feel uncomfortable with the housemates attention to them . (if that is the case ).
My roommate sometimes brings his/her lover to our house on the weekend and we only have one bedroom, it's getting very uncomfortable for me, what should I do?
Cindy's answer: Yuck.....you need a 2 bedroom or a new roommate..or maybe they'll break up. You have a right to discuss eachother's rights and feelings about sharing a room, but this is a difficult spot for you unless the lovers might have an alternative spot. Maybe you can leave your schedule and ask if they might try working around it. Turn the TV or music up and ignore them. Sally's answer: I guess the first question to ask yourself, how good of a friend is this? If this is your best friend, then you need to set some ground rules about sleepovers. Remember, the tables could turn and it could be you having the friend the following week so make the rules something you both can live with. First, you need to let each other know in advance if you have a sleep over. Plan to sleep on the couch that night. You really don't want to be in the bedroom while they're there. Make that a night you're seeing other friends, then come home, turn on the tv. try to respect each others feelings, sometimes things aren't planned but if it happens too often without notice, then that is a planned happening.
On the first date is it always the guys who pays?
Cindy's answer: Sorry guys... but this seems to be a locked in tradition and carries with it a sentiment of interest. The treating on the first date signals that this is different than just friends. If you can't afford it, be creative and romantic...a picnic for example. Sally's answer: It's polite for the person asking to pay or offer to pay. If you feel the person really can't afford the date, maybe you can suggest something like a free concert in the park or to split the tab. Michele's answer: I think, that a girl may be the one to ask the guy on a first date. If that is so, she might get tickets in advance or intend to pay for whatever she has planned. Yes, traditionally, the guy does the asking and the paying but if the girls has taken the lead, I think she also take the responsibility of paying. Joanna's answer: Yes , this is a new world and men don't have to be the pursuers . Dating is an equal opportunity situation . I don't think it is understood that if you are doing the inviting , then you are paying . It is always nice to split the check or if the person who initiated offers right away , then graciously accept .... maybe you get the next one .
Should I ask my friends to move me?
Cindy's answer:
Let's face it, it's a good friend who helps you move. If you are lucky enough to have wonderful friends to help you then make sure you treat them to all drinks and food to show your appreciation. Do not ask your friends for help unless you would be willing to help them when they move. Try to make it fun, some music and laughter.
Sally's answer:
If you ask, you must be ready to help out when they ask you. The more friends, the quicker it goes. Make sure to get them a thank you gift, like a case of beer or bouquet of flowers.
What about holding the door open for someone?
Cindy's answer: Always, for everyone. This is a standard act of kindness easily shared and always appreciated. Sally's answer: It is always a nice thing to do-why not? Try to always open the door for the elderly or disabled. Love it when a man opens a door for a woman. Michele's answer: When you approach a door and their is some one behind you who might need help, an older person, a disabled person, a woman with a stroller, be kind, hold the door. If the person behind you is capable you don't need to hold the door open, but don,t shut it in their face. Joanna's answer: This is such a kindness between strangers . I always feel good when some one holds the door for me .
What is appropiate to give as a gift for a death of a friend or relative?
Cindy's answer: Yes it is. A mass card is traditional for Catholics and can be bought at the rectory of the church for a donation. Sometimes the family suggests a charity or asks for money directly if there is hardship. A donation is always welcome to an orphanage, etc You can have a tree planted in a person.s name too. A beautiful gift would be to make a keepsake honoring the person's life that you create yourself or organize from a group of those closest to the person who has passed with phots and memories. A simple card with a heartfelt note is always worthwhile and welcomed. Sally's answer: Cindy once gave our family a charitable gift ( a cow for an family in need )donated in my grandmother's name. It was a really touching idea and something Sadie A would have appreciated. There are a few organization, heifer.org and worldvision.org that do this type of thing. It is also appropriate to send flowers or a fruit basket to the home.
For More information, visit heifer.org Koli Says: I work at a Crisis intervention hotline, and during the course of training one of my facilitators passed away. As a training class (though I came up with the idea) we named a star after her and sent it to her family. They loved it. michele Says: Thanks Koli, This is a great idea, Something that keeps the person's memory alive.
What would be a good birthday present for someone that I just started dating?
Cindy's answer: I like a CD you have listened to together or a fun playlist you make personal. A meal is always fun to celebrate and treat a date to. Sally's answer: Something small and of interest of the person you are dating i.e. a book, movie tickets, food. Michele's answer: Make a meal, pack a picnic, nothing too personal yet., Books, music, a movie, flowers, specialty foods that they like, bake a cake, cookies, An artist ,cool art supplies, a gardener, gardening soap and lotion, a tea drinker, fine tea and a good book. Joanna's answer: What are their interests ? A book is always a thoughtful , useful gift . Again , a plant is always fitting . A gift certificate for a meal Take them out for dinner and pay .
What would be an appropriate gift to bring if I am meeting my girlfriend's or boyfriend's family?
Cindy's answer:
If you are invited for a meal it is appropiate to bring a small gift. A plant, seasonal fruit, flowers, a bakery treat is always welcome. Do not give wine or any alcohol if you are not over 21.
Sally's answer:
A bottle of wine, flowers, plant or candles would all be appropiate gifts. Also write a nice Thank-you note.
Michele's answer:
I like to bring different kinds of tea or coffee, for a more formal gift,add a Pretty teapot, or interesting coffee mugs.
Joanna's answer:
A small orchid is one of my favorite gifts to give and to receive, Trader Joes always has a good deal on them. Whole foods, flowers and plants are a little bit nicer and healthier even though perhaps a bit more expensive, and it is always nice to have the personal assistance in picking out a plant and get the growing instructions and find out about light requirements and watering instructions at a small nursery.
For More information, visit http://www.traderjoes.com/ Meg Says: Oh my god this just saved me! Thanks guys♥ Michele Says: You're welcome, Meg. Thanks for the feedback.
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